I am a 46 year old man who has wrestled intimately with the decision of whether to live or to end my life.
I’ve gone through several depressions, and for the past 20 years have contemplated suicide many times. Sometimes I’ve taken anti-depressants, and sometimes I’ve met with therapists or gone to groups to help me work through it. Each time has taken me deeper into reflecting on the issue of depression and suicide. Each time has helped me to see it from a fresher angle. This blog takes you through my journey from suicidal depression to reaching for life, so you will see the first few entries expressing a desire to kill myself in a very strategic way. As the entries progress, you will see the path I took for moving through it. If you take anything from this blog, I hope you recognize the benefit of exploring your decision through writing/journaling. It is my hope this blog will be a source of light for other people who have faced this courageous decision themselves.
I am well educated, in good health, with many people who love me. I’m also a professional counselor who has helped hundreds (or more) of people to move beyond suicidal states of consciousness. Maybe that has served me when I was depressed, maybe not. When I’m depressed, I don’t give myself much credit for anything. When I’m not depressed, perhaps I’ve given myself too much credit for some things. Who knows?
I have been a lifelong depressive who has often sabotoged myself, squandering my talents, gifts, and relationships. I’ve experienced many successes and many failures. I now live alone with one cat and no biological children but many young people who call me “father”. Married briefly but divorced. Other than my ex-wife (who was so loving I didn’t think I deserved her) I possess no evidence of being capable of attracting and being invovled with a healthy woman, but maybe that’s more a reflection of my own wounded inner feminine, or my basic lack of self-esteem. In many ways I am your typical middle age man who has realized there is no sense to killing myself, that the desire to end one’s life is really a desire to kill the suffering and the “shadow” of the false self. In this realization, perhaps I can help others move through this debilitating suffering. Many people have helped me when I was contemplating ending my life, and this journal is my way of giving back. Please read this if you are seeking a new path for managing depression, if you are contemplating suicide, or know someone who is.
Know that if you visit this site, you automatically are included in my prayers. May the light of these prayers comfort your soul. If you are contemplating suicide, please hang on, and don’t give up until you are absolutely sure, absolutely complete with the process of inquiry. Please leave any notes, and I will do my best to be there for you through your path to healing.
