I’ll admit I’ve been thrown a bit “off track” on my quest to die, thanks to some very loving, compassionate words that strangers have been sending me on the net. A few people have tried to talk me out of killing myself, but the more powerful ones have come from people just being compassionate and offering some things to think about. In particular, some of the people from the ACT (Acceptance & Committment Therapy) Yahoo group have been very persuasive. Somehow it has helped me to linger a bit in this state, slowing down my downward spiral long enough to think more creatively about how to “die”.
For quite some time I’ve contemplated jumping off the bridge, or hanging myself, or some other less dramatic things. Sometimes those thoughts are less frequent, but lately, such as during the past month, all the time. The truth is, my thoughts waver back and thought between killing someone else to killing myself. Its a hellish state to be in, thus my belief that “heaven” and “hell” are right here in the present moment of consciousness. One person who wrote me suggested that I was letting my own mind “murder” me. How right on target! Indeed, it is my own mind that is killing me. As soon as I awaken my mind goes on the attack about all the stupid things I’ve done, all the fucked up things about me, all the people who justifiably hate me, how much of a loser I am, and so on. Yes, my mind is bludgoening me to death and I do not know how to stop it. (Actually, I DO know a lot of techniques, many of which I’ve actually taught in the past, but I don’t have the energy to do them. In my current state of mind I no longer believe in them. If they had any real power I wouldn’t be in this hell-hole today.)
It occurrs to me then that if my mind is attacking me, then after I kill myself – my body will fall, but what will happen to my mind? If mind is an aspect of consciousness, then even suicide cannot kill the mind! If this is so, then I will be stuck with it, this hellish consciousness without the benefit of a body to transmutate this poison! That seems like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. It seems like killing myself is going to be a heck of a lot harder than just stopping my heart from beating. So, what do I do?
The Sufis are fond of quoting the Koran, in which Mohommad said, “Die before you die.”
I like this idea. How does one “die” to the ego and the world without killing the body? How do I drop this attachment to all my toxic ideas about who I am (“failure”, “loser”, “worthless”) before I leave the body?
Now, if I could do THIS, I would find this peace I am looking for. And once I find this I will no longer feel the desire to kill myself.
Perhaps I can retreat to an ashram, perhaps some remote cave in India. I hear Ramana Maharshi has an ashram in a cave down there. When he was 14 he laid down on the ground and “died” before his physical death by asking the question, “Who am I?”
How do I do that? Does anyone know?
