You may be wondering why I want to die now. I hesitate to answer this for fear that someone may try to dissect this material in an argument about why I “shouldn’t” do this. I want to be as “objective” about this as possible. I am not sure if the argument against suicide is just deeply ingrained social conditioning around Judeo-Christian values, or perhaps the human consciousness that is rooted – biologically – in evolution. Clearly we can’t evolve as a species if people are killing themselves off. So, maybe we invent a bunch of “laws” to make suicide “wrong”? As if that duality really exists in all planes of existence. I doubt it. In fact, that duality, which saturates my own consciousness as much as I am a part of this collective, is indeed the very root of the problem. It is the cause for my pain. It is the nerve behind my suffering. Fuck duality. If duality – seeing only two sides of an issue – is the only way of viewing suicide, then I say its a very limited view. I’m willing to bet that there is a much broader, much more compassionate and workable perspective about it. Thats precisely what this project is about.
Nevertheless, we buy into the story that suicide is “wrong”, even “evil” and declare it “against the law”, as one woman blasted me with. So we pretend not to believe in it. However, our species self-hatred has permeated our culture in such a way that we have more passive ways of killing ourselves, from ingesting toxic foods, poisoning our atmosphere, our soil, our plants, our livestock, and even our waters with harmful chemicals; smoking cancer causing cigarettes, in”toxic”ating ourselves with drugs and alcohol, and so forth and so on. The fact is, we are killing ourselves all the time. All I want to do is get conscious about it. WHY do I chew on myself, and let all my toxic habits fill up my life and weaken my heart, my body, my mind, and my will to live?
Because I have allowed hatred to infect my mind and soul.
I hate myself.
And because I hate myself, I find it far too easy to hate others. It would be enought to simply “dislike” others. No, for me it goes as deep as hatred, and this is a poisonous, painful thing to carry around. My mind and heart are infected with it. If I don’t kill myself soon, no doubt this hatred will eat me alive.
I hate myself because, well, I suppose I was taught to hate myself. I was taught that I am “stupid”, “unworthy”, and so on. No matter how many compliments I recieve (I’ve had hundreds of people cheering for me and praising me at once, scorse of times in my career), I don’t believe it. It doesn’t sink in. I tell myself, “yeah, you’re praising me because I entertain you, I make you feel good. If you really knew about me, you’d turn away from me just like everyone else eventually does.” I’m pretty likable at first, but once you get to know me….
I’ve got few people who want to get close to me. And now that I am without children or a family, I see old age on the horizon and it sure looks like a miserable, lonely place. Just as I’d always imagined it.
I’ve fucked up my career all by myself. Got no one else to blame.
OK, I blame plenty of others, and even hate them. But in my deepest lucidity, I know that its all my fault. I manifest what I believe, and I believe I’m not worthy of love, respect, joy and success.
I’m with Freud on this one: happiness is about finding harmony in two places: love and work. I have been an abject failure at both. Period.
Now, with no job, no way to earn a living, and about two weeks worth of saving left to my name, I am facing devestation. I think its time to cut my loses and move on.
