I would lay on the floor and breathe all the way out, and then try to keep from breathing back in. But it never worked.

As days passed, I realized that while I may end up like that, it need not be -today-. So I started to bargain with myself: I’ll kill myself, just not today.

Now I’ve come to understand that wanting to die is not what I wanted at all. I wanted to LIVE. I wanted to really live without pain, without depression, without fear.

When I read your posts, I heard many of the same feelings that I had, and I have to ask you: are you sure you want to die, or do you want to really live but think that’s impossible or at least unlikely?

I’ve been there. It’s a scary and yet numbing place. But I have to tell you, when I found the courage to try living instead of longing for death, I started to find strength again.

Now I find strength to live everyday because I have faith that God holds my life in His hands. He literally gave me back my life. He can give you back your life, too, the life you were meant to have, the one He wants for you.

As you can tell by the fact that I’m posting I didn’t go through with it but that’s your decision. Once was in the middle of a strong depression and I had an image of the handgun I kept in my bedroom. Strangely, that image and thought was rapidly followed by what I can only describe as an image of a white flash/white chord in which so much about my life and that of my (then) recently deceased mother become so clear. Then again, that was my vision not yours- so I obviously can’t tell you to have one of the same…

The second time was more recently during a strangely wonderful drive along the famous stretch of Pacific Coast Highway near Big Sur in California. It was a personally strange trip which after much frustration (due to traffic and a fogged in road) I stepped on the gas and passed 3 cars along a blind curve and began to drive with what an outside observer might call reckless abandon. Other than that initial (stupid) pass I didn’t do much else which would endanger others but I did begin to drive my sports car with an attitude of someone who was living on the edge and not caring which way he fell. I was simply and purely driving in the moment- neither trying to die nor live and allowing the microdecisions of my accelerator foot and steering wheel hands decide.

Eventually, I pulled over at an overlook which stood above the fog bank below. Despite a strong fear of heights, I stood at the very edge of the near-cliff below. For the first time in 35 years, I felt truly content and contemplated walking off the cliff below as I felt no fear. I didn’t- couldn’t tell you why- just didn’t…

I have since (after a 2 month trip abraod) started to stare some of my thoughts in the face and feel that I am starting to understand and come to terms with much of my negative programming. It’s powerful and not easy but, when I look at some of the pain I’ve lived with so long, doesn’t actually seem that hard…

I’m certainly not advocating anyone doing what I did- merely being objective here. My personal take on it all is that the human brain may be an incredibly complex computer- though, due to some of the possible quantum effects- has some amazing properties which our home PC never will and actually is many of the traits we attribute to a soul. If you’re thinking I am truly a quack, I do in fact have a university degree in Computer Science focusing in Artificial Intelligence and, more recently, have seen some early science which, while not proving these theories, does point to it as a possibility…

And, I have to ask, how can you be so sure of the whole reincarnation thing? I’ve practiced Zen for years and still honestly don’t get that whole recincarnation deal. I’ve always felt that I would rather be “in the game”, even if it felt like my team was being crushed, than just to call the season over…

I have read your blog and i would firstly like to say how brave you are to publish your thoughts and feelings in such way.

You are an intelligent person and have put alot of thought into this subject for a number of years.

I have had on many occasions over the years contemplated suicide and still do on a regular basis and like you feel life is draining all my energy and there is nothing worth living for. I dont like myself at all and have a lot of the ame feeling as you do.

I work voluntary for an organisation here in England called The Samaritans we are a help line for people who are in distress and in need of emotional support. In England we are mostly known for dealing with people contemplating suicide. We offer a confidential and safe place for people to talk about such feelings without fear of being judged in any way. Ultimatley it is the individuals choice and what they want to do and if it is taking their own lives we respect their decision and stay with them while they do it if they want us to.

I would be honoured if you could tell me more about what has led you to this decision now.

Pickles